I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
