She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just googled if crying burns calories
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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