While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have started to decorate penises.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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