everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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