So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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