apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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