Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
