I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
