Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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