yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
