I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
