question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
