Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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