So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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