OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
