ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
