i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
