Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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