Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
