Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
