Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
