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sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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