Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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