Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize