I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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