Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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