i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well I just put wine in my tea
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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