I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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