In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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