I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
