What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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