note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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