apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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