god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
