Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
