im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
