I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
