You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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