and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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