It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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