My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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