I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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