Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
