I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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