I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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