wakey wakey hands off snakey
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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