his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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