My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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