Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
