i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
