A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
