toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
