just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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