Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize