I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
