apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
