I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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