I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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