ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
