Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
